Drink, Drank, Drunk

It never fails. No matter how many parties you go to, you will always see that "one guy."

You know that guy you see at every party. He is belligerently drunk by 10 p.m. I mean how can you miss him? He's screaming at the top of his lungs every time someone takes a shot.

God forbid you are a girl, or a group of girls, standing without a male. Be prepared to have a little ass grabbed with a side of slurred, blunt come-ons. He doesn't mean to hit on the ugly girls, he's just drunk.

Whether he's locking lips with the toilet or curling up on the front lawn, by midnight this guy is out.

And we, as bystanders, simply laugh and enjoy his humiliation. After all it's not us with the drinking problem.

But, it sure is a sad day when we join his ranks. Continue Reading>>

The Texter

You get out of class and have ten minutes to make the trek to your next building on the opposite side of campus.

There’s a steady stream of people to your left and a long side of building for some feet on your right. You try to keep up your quick pace but soon realize the girl in front of you has slowed down to turtle speed. Then she starts swaying a little back and forth. Next she stops completely, looks up, and then starts walking again.

She’s texting.

And there’s no way to get around her. All you can do is wait out the hundred feet or so until the wall ends.

These people have an extremely important lesson to learn in life: they can’t multitask.

Jake Corbin seems to think he’s got the multitasking down. I asked him to give us a demo for all the texters out there who I want to yell at on a daily basis.



To me it seems you just either do or don’t have the suave moves. All I ask is that you walk.

And don’t even get me started on stair-texting. Continue Reading>>

The Creepy, Old Man

There is nothing that makes me smile more in life than a creepy old man, especially when that man is a professor on campus.

As I was leaving class, I was approaching two fine young ladies. As I can closer to them, I recognized one as a friend. As we rushed by she gave me a smile and we exchanged hellos.

As we parted ways, with a smile she gave me a squeeze on my arm and said, “See you later.”

No big deal. That’s just what friends do. As I’m about to put my headphones on, I hear a voice behind me.

“Man, I need to watch your moves.”

I quickly turned around to see who it was. To my surprise it was an elderly gentleman with gray and white hair, wearing an almost checker patterned brown suite, pulling a rolling backpack behind him.

“I’m sorry, what?” I said.

“I need to watch your moves. You’ve got a way with the ladies,” he said.

I laughed and said, “I do alright,” and went on my way.

I couldn’t tell him what I was really thinking. Like really old man? Come on professor. What kind of extra credit are you trying to offer to your students?

I mean, anyone who knows me can tell you that I say some pretty crazy things. Whether it was sexually blunt, or sexually implying, I’ve said it.

The difference is that I’m still young and adorable. I can get away with it.

I realize one day my cuteness will be gone, and I’ll just end up being a creepy old man like him if I keep saying that stuff. But I hope I grow out of it.

It doesn’t really bother me, it just made me realize what I would be like if I don’t grow up.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy making innuendos. Continue Reading>>

Kanye West shutter shades

I am tired of seeing students on campus wearing these worthless accessories.

These shades are usually worn with a brightly colored houndstooth scarf (most people who wear them don't know that the print is called that), tight skinny jeans, a logo t-shirt and a pair of neon sneakers.

Being an individual is great. Wearing something that is non-functional strictly because a famous person wears it does not make you cool, it makes you sheep.

These stupid "glasses" provide no UV-protection and make it hard for you to see where you are going. What is so cool about that? I thought that the act of going to college was somehow a way of showing people how smart you are. Or at least how smart you hope to be one day.

Recently, Kanye West has become less than desirable when it comes to the role model department. He was just caught on tape smashing a camera that belongs to a member of the paparazzi. Now that is someone that we should all aspire to be like. He wears these glasses and he can't even see how big of an ass he has become. Take heed.

Do yourself a favor hipsters, wear real sunglasses. Your eyes will thank you one day. Continue Reading>>

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These whiny, sniveling twits make me scramble for the remote whenever they appear.

They're as enjoyable and desirable as crotch stubble. How much longer can these sellouts keep churning out this tripe? 

Their despicable hip-hop whatever-you-want-to-call-it crapfest made me puke in my mouth. The one with them in bouncing around the small town to a peppy little ditty grates my spine and makes the veins in my forehead pulsate. 

I make it a point to ignore my credit just to spite them. 

Their newest musical abortion takes place at a party and it has this cutesy, effeminate techno quality to it. For some reason there's this poser jackass on turntables with his headphones hanging off one ear like people enjoy what he is doing. 

I can't wait until these rectal-squirts go the way of the Flat-Buns guys and dinosaurs. 

But the joke is on me, I know the words to all their terrible songs and I remember what company they work for. Continue Reading>>

The Busybody

Day 1: Somehow it always happens to me. There I am, sitting in a GE class minding my own business and a gabby girl plops into the seat next to me.

After settling in, she cranes her neck around to catch my eye and then lunges into an introduction followed with a confirmation handshake.

She is bubbly and inquisitive and after one minute I already know her year, major and innermost expectations of the said class. And she knows mine.

Meanwhile, class has not started.

I desperately try to proofread the syllabus before me and find dandruff in the hair of the guy in front. I feel her impenetrable gaze.

Class begins. Apparently she has an opinion about everything. She answers, comments and asks questions the whole time, all the while turning to me to add a side comment. Wait, didn’t I just meet this girl five minutes ago? Maybe she’s in the wrong class. “Understanding human body language and tone” 1A is down the hall.

Day 2: I come prepared this time with a book. I say hello and go back to my reading.

Ten seconds later…

“What book are you reading?” she asks. I politely tell her and exchange a few more lines.

I go back to my book.

Fifteen seconds later….

“About that assignment…”

Maybe I exaggerate a little. Maybe I just have bad luck. Maybe people like that should join a sorority; I’m taking a class.
Continue Reading>>

Wal-Mart the high price of low costs

We all know that Wal-Mart is the low price leader. You can buy 300 pairs of crew socks for $6.00. Have you ever thought about how they are able to undercut their competitors? The Wal-Mart Corporation has a history of encouraging employees to apply for welfare, food stamp and Medicaid benefits. They keep costs low by sloughing their financial responsibility for their employees to the government.

It is no surprise that Wal-Mart is responsible for countless human rights violations and labor law abuses in the United States as well as across the world. I am tired of the excuses; we all know what they do. They underpay their employees and offer next to no benefits. They outsource most of their production to countries like China and India where labor is cheap and the watchful eyes human rights organizations are non-existent.

It is not right. There is something we can do about it. I know that Americans, especially in today's problematic economy, have to make all financial decisions carefully. If we can be responsible about our carbon footprint and saving the whales, why can't we be conscious consumers too? Shop at locally owned small businesses; check the labels of your clothing to buy American made products as much as you can, or shop at a thrift store.

Every change, no matter how small, can make a difference.

Corporations like Wal-Mart continue to dominate the retail world and push hard-working entrepreneurs out of business. The things that once made America great are quickly disappearing. Integrity, morality and compassion seem to have no place in the modern business world.

I do not propose that we all start churning our own butter and raising livestock. All I ask is that we all make an attempt to be more aware of what we buy and who we buy it from.

Cheap does not always mean good. Ultimately it is your money and only you can decide if you want to change the way you spend it. Continue Reading>>